Jacquelyn's Space

October 15, 2011

Total BS

The nerve of some people! My stepson asked his father if he was going to the football game next week – it is the last football game for the seniors and the parents walk their child across the field (My stepson is in marching band – it is a band tradition). Well my husband hadn’t thought about; I don’t think we even knew about it so I am glad my stepson mentioned it to his father.

My stepson then asked his father if he wouldn’t mind if his stepfather walked instead. My husband told me he started to get mad until my stepson said, “I really wanted you to do it, but stepdad got mad. I didn’t think he would get mad (or care)”. The stepfather thinks it should be just him and the mom because they helped out with band stuff – they worked as roadies off and on helping move the band equipment and scenery for the competitions. Well YAY for them.

According to my stepson, his mom told him he should ask is dad if that was okay. I am not quite sure I believe that. I wouldn’t put it past his mom to have said not even mention it and it was my stepson, trying to smooth over the situation and still make his Dad feel a part of it. He wants his Dad to be a part of it, dammit!

My husband’s (and mine too when I first heard) response was NO! My husband is the kid’s father and should be part of it. The stepdad is not the father. Yeah, they helped with the band as roadies and my husband didn’t (nor I). We didn’t because we knew it would cause drama – we didn’t want to step on their toes. IT IS MY PERCEPTION THAT, If we tried to help out the mom would have totally been a bitch asking my husband why he was participating, it was her town not his. Then she would move on to bitch about me, she would have asked why I was participating, I had no right, I was not my stepson’s mom; she would have told my husband I didn’t need to be there (she has done this in the past – you can gather why, first for jealousy and territorial issues and then because I don’t agree with her, the way she acts and I write about it. I have to go where my husband goes because I drive him, he can’t drive. My husband has never acted that way toward her husband even though he has just cause to); she would have also badmouthed us behind our back (which I am sure she has done already). This I know from her past behavior – more than one or two instances; from a whole lot of incidents and observations. IT IS MY BELIEF THAT, She has done things like this in the past and all along has tried to keep my husband out of his son’s life as much as possible (except for the money part).

Now I am thinking we were silly not to because this whole territorial thing is wrong, wrong, wrong – basically we just feel into her dumbass way of thinking. Perhaps we should have participated anyway but we did think that since it is their town and community and we knew what kind of trouble the mom would cause, we didn’t need to be a part of the band roadie thing. I thought it would be a good way to bond and spend time with my stepson (maybe, maybe not) but I also thought it would be more trouble than it was worth, causing too much drama in which my stepson would be thrust in the middle of. We went to the competitions (most all of them except for this year) and supported our son that way. We were content with this – it was fine and kept everybody at a ‘safe’ distance.

Now, this is a little different. It is something the parents do and my husband, as the father, should be a part of it. He should not be cut out of it nor asked to bow out. The nerve! My husband asked his son what if all four of us walked with you. My stepson said that would be something different. My husband is so generous – he doesn’t mind if the stepdad is a part of it, he doesn’t think the stepdad shouldn’t be a part of it. IT IS MY OPINION THAT: Now the mom on the other hand, is not generous, her reaction will probably be (and has been in the past) I shouldn’t be a part of it at all so I bet it will be either none of us walk or it is just the bio-parents. THE WAY I SEE THINGS: If I had pulled the shit that the stepdad is pulling we would never hear the end of it from the mom. She would have been on the phone bitchin’ my husband out.

When my husband told me about this today I was so pissed I wanted to throw the book nearest to me across the wall. Then I wanted to really kick someone’s ass (I wonder who’s?). Then I wanted to call the bio mom and stepdad and yell at them – ‘you have some nerve mother f’ers’. How dare they try to cut my husband out! I am also pissed that the bio mom hasn’t contacted my husband about this – she let the kid do the explaining, as usual (then when things don’t go HER way she usually calls and bitches). Now this leads me to believe that she really didn’t want my husband to know at all and was hoping the kid wouldn’t mention it, but then again communication has always been almost nonexistent between them unless it is her calling and yelling at my husband.

Once I sat down to write about the situation and calmed down a little I began to have my doubts – maybe they are right, maybe it should be them to walk with the kid because they helped with band. But then I thought not – it is not about who helped with band (there has been banquets and whatnot that recognize that contribution); it is about supporting your child and being proud of him. It should be the parents. My husband should walk with his son.

He has and continues to support him and is proud of him. He loves his son and is a good father. He has always been involved in his son’s life like a father should be. It is not as if he recently came on the scene. It is not as if he is trying to make a SHOW of how ‘wonderful’ he is – he truly, truly is a wonderful parent and wants to be a part of his son’s life.

Then I was thinking I don’t need to walk with my stepson if that is going to cause problems – let the stepdad walk if he wants too but I don’t need to. How would I feel about that? How would my stepson? What would that say, what message would that convey if I didn’t walk?

Now I am thinking, dammit, all four of us should walk. I have supported the kid too, I am proud of him and I care about him. I have been in his life almost as long as his stepfather. I have sacrificed and made contributions. I should not be cut out simply to appease the bio mom and whatever issues she has. I also think it would be cool if all four of us walked because it shows the changing face of today’s family. Kids often have more than two parents that love and support them and that should be recognized. If my stepson thinks it is a good idea then I would be honored to walk. If he does not like the idea and only wants his BIO-PARENTS, I can and will RESPECT that decision. It isn’t about me after all, it is about HIM.