Great article posted on facebook by Buckeye BonusMom. Wish I would have read this at the beginning of my stepmom journey.
The Loyalty Wars
[Courtney’s note: This article was written for Step-Parents, but EVERY PARENT of a child whom they share custody of, needs to read it and understand it’s implications on the fragile minds of their children]
Sometimes Skids (Step-KIDS) are put in the terrible position of realizing that their bio-moms will give them more love and/or attention if they openly dislike, or are unhappy with, any aspect of life at Dad’s.
Recognizing and responding to The “Loyalty Wars”
Sadly some children of divorced parents experience what I call, “The Loyalty War.” This is a painful situation for any child. It can cause them to act out in angry and hurtful ways, ironically at the parent who is NOT perpetuating this nightmare. Clearly they are victims of this parent generated, emotional tug of war. As Stepmoms, we can’t stop this situation. It’s yet another thing we have no control over and it is absolutely infuriating to watch. However, the good news is that we can do something to mitigate the negative impact on our Stepkids (Skids) by understanding the situation as soon as possible and responding in helpful and healing ways.
In the movie, “STEPMOM,” the young boy, in an attempt to show his loyalty to his Mom, says about his Stepmom, “I’ll hate her if you want me to.” He was willing to hate his Stepmom, someone he obviously cared for, just to please his Mom.
I’m writing from the perspective of a Stepmom. I can’t comment on how it is for Mom’s who have ex-husband’s engaging in this war. All I know is that when a bio-mom is not willing to behave in a responsible, adult fashion and interact (or even pretend to act) positively about their children’s life at Dad’s-a Loyalty War breaks out in the heart and mind of a child. We had hundreds of examples of this in the first year of the SMOMS bulletin board. The bio-mom has most of the power. That is a hard thing to accept but it is true. The biological connection between mother and child is so strong, that words are not even needed for an angry bio-mom to declare war on her child’s father and his Stepmom. How sad is that? It’s sad but it is life for some of us. A bio-mom who is asking her child to prove his or her love by not loving someone else is cruel and selfish, but it happens. However, the bio-moms who are able to process their feelings in ways that have no negative impact on their kids are honored and appreciated by Stepmoms. I know this because many of our SMOMS are also bio-moms. Their kids and skids are very lucky children.
Anyway, back to this topic. To help the situation , it is key to recognize it. Once you do, you will probably feel an immediate wave of compassion for your Skids. You will probably also find, as I did, that your heart will open, even more to the Skids. Clearly, you will also feel more anger to the bio-mom. That is understandable. That anger needs to be processed in healthy ways. But let’s focus now on the Skids.
Symptoms of a Skid caught in a Loyalty War:
1. Feels the need to compare anything good at Dad’s-by commenting on how it is at Mom’s and always making Mom’s as good as or better than Dad’s.
2. In the middle of a “Happy Family” Moment at Dad’s they suddenly express the need to call Mom and talk to her RIGHT NOW! Not allowing this call, can generate genuine anxiety in the Skids.
3. Not being willing to be happy or participate in fun activities with Dad, expressing some version of, “Mom might not like it” or “Mom said she wanted to be the first one to do this with me.” or “Mom told me doing this was stupid or wrong.” FYI:This behavior is actually an early form of martyrhood-that is, denying themselves pleasure while punishing Dad, just to prove their love to the bio-mom.)
4. Creating arguments right before returning to their Mom’s so they can genuinely complain to Mom about life at Dad’s. This is often a result of Mom teaching their kids that they will get 100% of Mom’s attention and approval whenever they have anything negative to say about life at Dad’s. The reversal could also be true. The Mom’s may have also shown them (never having said a word) that they get a negative or neutral reaction from Mom if they share a happy Dad/Stepmom story.
The Loyalty Wars are particularly effective with children ages 5-15. At some point, a teenage Skid will figure out what’s going on and their frustration and anger will be more correctly and effectively focused. At some point they will enter the game as an active player, having a great time with Dad and SMOM, then making up tales of woe when talking with the bio-mom in order to get her attention and approval. Until the Skids see the game for what it is, they are at the mercy of their angry Moms. The War is over once a child calls either or both parents on this hurtful behavior.
What can SMOMS (and Dads) do to help their Skids?
1. Recognize the conflict for what it is. Trying to get someone to get along or do the right thing, when they have shown repeatedly that they are not interested in doing so is a losing battle. Stay focused on what we can do.
2. Take NOTHING personally. When you realize that these Skids are being asked/manipulated/ threatened to pick one parent over the other- compassion for the Skids usually flows freely and you can choose to let go of the bio-mom’s actions. That is a choice, not a process.
3. Take the High Road, the honorable path and resist the urge to counter-attack. This urge is not a bad thing, it’s a human thing but responding, getting hooked by these behaviors only makes things worse. It makes the Skids feel like they are caught in an emotional ping pong game where they can only lose more and more. We have lots of ways to process our anger at the situation. Honor the anger AND help your Skids.
4. Protect your relationship with your Skids by seeing what is happening and backing off whenever you can. We can begin to let their comments about how Mom’s this or that is better by simply saying, “Great!” and disengaging from the competition for their attention and approval. Your Skids will be visibly relieved when they feel you withdrawal from the unspoken emotional competition. You read about “putting the kids first,” well this is a great example of putting our feelings about the situation aside and helping the Skid’s feel safe and secure first.
5. Take the pressure off your marriage and stop expecting your husband to do something about it if he isn’t inclined to on his own. It is not against the law to do what these angry bio-moms are doing. It is also impossible to prove what they are doing without getting the skids in the middle. Believe me, I know this can be hard but I also know that when you back away and begin to support the Skids, they feel the difference and so will you-in positive ways.
6. I have noticed that as we switch our attention from trying to get the bio-Mom to behave as a mature adult (impossible if they aren’t willing) and put our attention on helping these skids feel that at Dad’s house it is OK to love their Mom AND Dad AND Stepmom AND Stepdad, as much as they please there is a peacefulness that begins to build over time. We want to be able to look back on our actions and feel proud. This is one of those actions we can feel good about right now. It has both short and long-term benefits.
We can’t end the Loyalty Wars but we can take a lot of the fire power out of this situation. I understand from grown Stepkids that when SMOMS do as I suggest, it is more noticed and appreciated by the Stepkids than they can say as kids but we are likely to receive the gratitude as they become adults. We all know it feels good to “Do the right thing.” Helping young people under this kind of stress is the right thing to do. Honoring the impact on us by extreme self-care, healthy anger processing and creative problem solving is also the right thing for you to do. Hope this helps. Bye for now, Cathryn Bond Doyle (Founder of SMOMS)
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