Jacquelyn's Space

Grand Hotel, Mackinac Island

Yay! We made it to Mackinac Island. We got over to the island just in time to check in to the Grand at 4pm yesterday. The weather is beautiful. It was rainy and cloudy but it started clearing up when we got into Mackinaw City so we rode on the top of the ferry. I love feeling the wind and water spray. Of course I love the view from the top of the ferry too. When we got to the Island it almost seemed too hot- really humid. We had to stand in line to check in and everyone was all sweaty.

We finally got to our room after waiting about 30 minutes in line! That was disappointing, never had to wait that long before. Our room was nice but we had a view that overlooks the back of the hotel. Not at all like last year when we had a dormer room that looked east out toward the Governor’s Mansion and Lake Huron. That was heavenly; when we awoke in that room the rising sun lit our ceiling gold, which was papered in orange-y, yellow and red flowers. I was wondering about that wall paper but when I woke up and saw the morning glow I got the reasoning behind the papered ceiling – understood the decorator’s choices for that room. Last spring we were lucky enough to get the Eisenhower Suite! That room had a lovely canopy bed, a sitting area, and though the view was a back courtyard (and overlooked the theatre and some high school’s prom in the evening) it had a balcony. My husband and I sat on it in the evening and drank champagne. The only thing special about our room this time is the huge king size bed.

We took a turn on the porch after we checked out our room. The weather was superb. Then we had to go and dress for dinner. Dressing for dinner is bothersome but also kind of fun. Something different to dress up for dinner, you know I feel like a little kid paying dress up. Plus it makes me feel like we are on a cruise.

We attended a reception on the Grand Porch. It was nice – piano music, free hors d’oeuvres, wine and beer. I love the atmosphere at the Grand, well the whole island for that matter but the atmosphere on the porch for the reception was magical. It was a beautiful late afternoon; the sun was getting low, warm breezes made the red geraniums lining the porch sway to the music and carried their scent up and around, the blue of the water, the lushness of the surrounding island (different shades of blue on blue on white and silver, all the green foliage, so many flowers) made for an enchanted setting. It was relaxing. I wanted to stay out there forever. My husband and I enjoyed a drink and the view for a while then went to dinner.

Dinner was good –not the best we ever had there but still nice. Very filling too! The Grand Hotel dining room, called the Salle a Manger, is a huge L shaped room with mirrored columns and large picture widows looking out onto the porch with the Straits beyond. The color of the room is a cheery peach with sea foam and dark green accents, not what I expected but it comes together nicely.

After dinner we checked out the art exhibit (charming paintings of pets) and paused in the lobby to listen to a harpist. The Grand has dancing every night, in a lounge off the lobby. There is also a piano bar at the top of the hotel in the Cupola (we didn’t go up there this trip but the views are spectacular from there. It also gets very hot up there). Not much for ballroom dancing, my husband and I went back out on the porch, which was much less crowded than earlier in the day. It was now dark and the almost full moon shone silver on Lake Huron. It was beautiful and I tried to get a picture with my little point and shoot digital camera but I don’t think I quite captured it. We enjoyed the quiet of the porch for a while and decided to change our shoes and go for a walk about town.

What a lovely evening. I could have walked on forever. We walked down Cadotte Avenue toward town. All the shops were closed on Main but a few of the restaurants and bars were still open. Mackinac is pretty quiet without all the tourists. It is so romantic to walk through town at night, admiring the sights in the moonlight, listening the distant ringing of the buoy in the harbor and the clip clop of horses’ hooves pulling a late night taxi from town to the Grand or farther out to Mission Point or Stonecliff.

Nothing much interested us in the bars so we walked on past the Murray Hotel of which we have fond memories (actually a great place to stay – honeymooned there), past the grocery store, which was also still open, past the old white Fort, glwowing in the moonlight, on the bluff above Marquette Park, past the marina farther into the quieter part of the road that circles the perimeter of the island and is lined with hotels, inns and residences east of downtown. I looked into the hotel windows, admired the old churches, the huge old trees that line the street, branches overhanging the walkway for a tunnel effect, and the many blooms along the way. The lushness of the trees and flowers quieted this part of town. I tried to take pictures but it was too dark. I did get a nice picture of a huge mum outside the Inn on Mackinac (another great place to stay – that is actually were I first spent the night on the island long ago when I was 4 or 5. I stayed there more recently with my husband and stepson. It is the sister hotel of the Murray). I also was fascinated but some huge spiders that covered a lamp and made it seem like it was done up for Halloween. I snapped a picture of the spiders even though they kind of creeped me out. Me and my husband walked on, all the way out to Mission Point where we stopped awhile on a trail that runs close Lake Huron. I was still trying to capture a picture of the moonlight on the lake. Didn’t work out but I have the memory captured here and in my heart.

***

We walked back to the hotel, too soon for me but I knew if I walked out much farther I wouldn’t be able to make it back to the Grand. On our way back we passed an old three story house that was for sale. We had passed it on our way to Mission Point too. I had stopped to admire it. I noticed it seemed empty though a light was on in the front window. I looked over the house wishing I could afford to buy the place. I got a strange vibe from this house though. I felt someone watched me from the windows. I looked at the windows on the second and third floors – empty. The house was empty. It had that closed feeling but also felt haunted to me. On the way back, from the opposite side of the street, I looked at the house, searching for a sign of a presence, human or otherwise. I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary but I still felt watched, haunted.

We made our way back to the Grand. It is always a struggle walking up the hill back. It is beautiful walk though. We took another turn on the porch, admired the lights on the Mackinac Bridge then turned in for the night. It was a lovely evening, a lovely walk. I wish every night could be like this.

Today is the day, the tenth anniversary of 9/11. Sigh. I am not sure what to do to remember the date. Well I am leaving to go to Mackinac Island. They are actually doing a memorial service on Mackinac – perhaps my husband and I will attend. My husband isn’t much for remembering the day and truth to tell neither am I. It was a horrible event. I was touched by it but after that day I decided that I need to live my life as if it never happened. I was not going to let the terrorist acts change me. I do remember, I do grieve, and I may even have a private moment thinking about the day (a classmate’s essay about 9/11 was very touching) but I cannot openly memorialize that day – the day the terrorists chose. The day some people in this country have fetishized. As unpopular as my opinion may be (or perhaps unpatriotic to some), that is how I feel.

My 9/11 memories, what I was doing when, actually kind of suck. My boyfriend was about to lose his house because he had been unable to pay the property taxes. He and I were in downtown Flint in a meeting about how to save your house if you owe property taxes. The meeting was just wrapping up when the lawyer running the thing came back from getting some forms or something and said the building was closing and we would all have to leave. I couldn’t hear exactly why she said we had to but I did hear something about planes, WTC, and terrorists. I didn’t trust what she (and others at the meeting) were telling me because so far the people running this meeting seemed rather incompetent.

My boyfriend and I left. Our car radio didn’t work so we couldn’t listen to the news. We had no idea. My husband needed to stop by his work to check his schedule so we stopped and he came out telling me planes had struck the World Trade Centers – all his co-workers were talking about it. I still didn’t trust what anybody was saying. We drove home, getting there about 11:30am/noon. By that time everything had happened. Our roommate was in the living room watching TV. He was excited “You gotta’ see this!” (He was kind of an insensitive dork). We watched the news as they replayed the towers falling. We then learned all about what happened, the two other planes. We had pretty much missed it while it was going on. I still didn’t believe it.

I remember, after I saw the towers fall and I lay on the couch (the old comfortable orange couch that had been my parents while I was growing up) listening to the stories – the horror of people jumping from the towers desperate to escape really got to me. Helpless people on planes used as destructive missiles. I had to turn away and I did. I turned my back to the TV, hid my face and cried into that old couch.

After I cried for the victims disbelief returned – this couldn’t be real. I sat up. I had to get ready for work. I didn’t want to show my emotion to the dorky roommate or to my boyfriend. They weren’t crying. We all just couldn’t believe it. I wished I didn’t have to work that night. I continued watching the news until I left for work around 4pm. I should have got a nap but I couldn’t quit watching the TV, searching for some kind of answer. Searching for some truth, some sign that this really happened. Watching it on TV made it seem like it was fiction, a TV show. I wasn’t scared, I just wanted to know what happened and why. How could it have happened? I wanted to know what was going to happen next – how the country was going to change. Even though what happened seemed unreal and I hadn’t really got my head around it I knew this was going to change the country. What was going to happen next? I didn’t know I still wasn’t afraid.

I went to work. I was a server at a small town restaurant. It was busy that night. It was actually a comfort to be working and among many people with the same thoughts. The events of the morning still didn’t seem real even though I kept seeing it replayed on the TVs and everyone was talking about it. It just did not compute with me. I was in denial. I am still in denial. Whenever I see the footage from that day it just doesn’t seem real to me. I have to ask myself, did that really happen? I guess I just needed to protect myself.

I Remember 9-10-86

The wind whispered “Remember?” and I did. 25 years ago tonight my grandma was hit by a car and killed. I had forgotten to mark the day, as I have in the past. Not that it doesn’t matter to me anymore; just that time has a way of dulling memory like an eon of waves pounding on a sharp rock. I usually remember sometime in September whether it is just before or past the anniversary. Tonight the wind reminded me while I was packing. It was not really windy out but it did pick up and for a second or two sounded just like it did the night my grandma was killed. I remember the sorrow of that night. The mournful gusty wind that swayed the trees. My mother’s cry when she came home.

I remember my grandma. The woman who taught me to pray, to appreciate personal histories and old stories, to persevere, and to take time to stop and enjoy flowers.

Ack! School is back in session.

My brain is not ready for school. All summer long I couldn’t wait to get back in school but now that I am I am not ready. All I can think about is up north – the U.P. and the Straits area. Over Labor Day, my husband and I went up there to do the Bridge Walk. Because we waited so long to decide to do the Bridge Walk this year we had to find a place to stay outside of Mackinaw City and St. Ignace. I decided I would rather go further north and drive down to the bridge (less traffic) than stay south of Mackinaw City and drive up. We ended up getting a mini cabin in Brimley State Park on Whitefish Bay, Lake Superior. It was fun and I love it way up there of course. We only went up for Sunday and Monday but we packed a lot of stuff in that brief time.

We set up camp around 6 or 7 then went checked out the beach on the bay. The day was cold and overcast and the water was pretty rough but I put my feet in. It was refreshing. On our way back to our cabin a tiny little blond boy was standing in the middle of the street sizing us up. He looked like a mini version of my husband. I smiled at the boy and was about to say hi when I noticed the little stinker was sticking his tongue out at me! I started laughing and tried to tell my husband but it was too late, the boy turned away and walked on.

We went for a ride to see what we could see. We had never been in that area. We checked out the casino up there (Bay Mills). Lost about $20, naughty us. Then we took a jaunt over to Sault Ste. Marie. By that time it was dark and not much was going on. There were a few bars restaurants open but we had brought food to cook so we headed on back to the cabin for a late supper. We had a campfire and cooked hamburgers. It was a relaxing night by the fire listening to the waves and a drunk sing-along a couple of camp sites over. It was a cold night but we couldn’t snuggle because the mini cabin was only equipped with two sets of bunk beds. Luckily it had a small heater that really put out some heat. We were roasting in there by morning.

In the morning we cooked breakfast which took a lot longer than anticipated. We had to hurry and pack up to drive down to make the Bridge Walk by 11am. The drive down was pretty easy – hardly any traffic like I thought. We made to St. Ignace about 10:30 and hurried for the bridge. Yay! I love Mackinac Bridge. There were still plenty of people walking. This is our second year walking the Bridge. It is just cool to be a part of the event. The walk went by so fast this year though. It is hard to describe. Let’s see – great panoramic views of the Straits, great views of the bridge you don’t get to see just driving over, a small sense of danger, a larger sense of danger when you look down through the steel grating or get to close to the rail, ha and a wonderful sense of pride and community with the other walkers.

After the Bridge Walk we checked out a few shops in Mackinaw City – it was a madhouse so we made our way to the buses to get bussed back over to the other side, to our car. It was still early and we didn’t want to go right home so we rode around. We took a coast rode along Lake Michigan that had spectacular views of the bridge. We eventually came out to HWY 2 so we drove west on that and checked out a National Forest then ended up on the beach. My husband napped while I stalked some small cute birds on the beach. A whole flock just peeped up close to us and they were fun to watch – they would get close to the water, looking for food, and the waves would chase them away knocking a few of the slow ones over. The little birds would roll around in the sand and then get up, shaking out their feathers and peeping. Too cute! I think they are called plovers. Eventually we had to leave.

Great article posted on facebook by Buckeye BonusMom. Wish I would have read this at the beginning of my stepmom journey.

http://www.facebook.com/notes/buckeye-bonusmom/loyalty-wars-shared-by-another-stepmom-passed-along-to-all-stepmoms-/388667949231

The Loyalty Wars

[Courtney’s note: This article was written for Step-Parents, but EVERY PARENT of a child whom they share custody of, needs to read it and understand it’s implications on the fragile minds of their children]

Sometimes Skids (Step-KIDS) are put in the terrible position of realizing that their bio-moms will give them more love and/or attention if they openly dislike, or are unhappy with, any aspect of life at Dad’s.

Recognizing and responding to The “Loyalty Wars”

Sadly some children of divorced parents experience what I call, “The Loyalty War.” This is a painful situation for any child. It can cause them to act out in angry and hurtful ways, ironically at the parent who is NOT perpetuating this nightmare. Clearly they are victims of this parent generated, emotional tug of war. As Stepmoms, we can’t stop this situation. It’s yet another thing we have no control over and it is absolutely infuriating to watch. However, the good news is that we can do something to mitigate the negative impact on our Stepkids (Skids) by understanding the situation as soon as possible and responding in helpful and healing ways.

In the movie, “STEPMOM,” the young boy, in an attempt to show his loyalty to his Mom, says about his Stepmom, “I’ll hate her if you want me to.” He was willing to hate his Stepmom, someone he obviously cared for, just to please his Mom.

I’m writing from the perspective of a Stepmom. I can’t comment on how it is for Mom’s who have ex-husband’s engaging in this war. All I know is that when a bio-mom is not willing to behave in a responsible, adult fashion and interact (or even pretend to act) positively about their children’s life at Dad’s-a Loyalty War breaks out in the heart and mind of a child. We had hundreds of examples of this in the first year of the SMOMS bulletin board. The bio-mom has most of the power. That is a hard thing to accept but it is true. The biological connection between mother and child is so strong, that words are not even needed for an angry bio-mom to declare war on her child’s father and his Stepmom. How sad is that? It’s sad but it is life for some of us. A bio-mom who is asking her child to prove his or her love by not loving someone else is cruel and selfish, but it happens. However, the bio-moms who are able to process their feelings in ways that have no negative impact on their kids are honored and appreciated by Stepmoms. I know this because many of our SMOMS are also bio-moms. Their kids and skids are very lucky children.

Anyway, back to this topic. To help the situation , it is key to recognize it. Once you do, you will probably feel an immediate wave of compassion for your Skids. You will probably also find, as I did, that your heart will open, even more to the Skids. Clearly, you will also feel more anger to the bio-mom. That is understandable. That anger needs to be processed in healthy ways. But let’s focus now on the Skids.

Symptoms of a Skid caught in a Loyalty War:

1. Feels the need to compare anything good at Dad’s-by commenting on how it is at Mom’s and always making Mom’s as good as or better than Dad’s.
2. In the middle of a “Happy Family” Moment at Dad’s they suddenly express the need to call Mom and talk to her RIGHT NOW! Not allowing this call, can generate genuine anxiety in the Skids.
3. Not being willing to be happy or participate in fun activities with Dad, expressing some version of, “Mom might not like it” or “Mom said she wanted to be the first one to do this with me.” or “Mom told me doing this was stupid or wrong.” FYI:This behavior is actually an early form of martyrhood-that is, denying themselves pleasure while punishing Dad, just to prove their love to the bio-mom.)
4. Creating arguments right before returning to their Mom’s so they can genuinely complain to Mom about life at Dad’s. This is often a result of Mom teaching their kids that they will get 100% of Mom’s attention and approval whenever they have anything negative to say about life at Dad’s. The reversal could also be true. The Mom’s may have also shown them (never having said a word) that they get a negative or neutral reaction from Mom if they share a happy Dad/Stepmom story.

The Loyalty Wars are particularly effective with children ages 5-15. At some point, a teenage Skid will figure out what’s going on and their frustration and anger will be more correctly and effectively focused. At some point they will enter the game as an active player, having a great time with Dad and SMOM, then making up tales of woe when talking with the bio-mom in order to get her attention and approval. Until the Skids see the game for what it is, they are at the mercy of their angry Moms. The War is over once a child calls either or both parents on this hurtful behavior.

What can SMOMS (and Dads) do to help their Skids?

1. Recognize the conflict for what it is. Trying to get someone to get along or do the right thing, when they have shown repeatedly that they are not interested in doing so is a losing battle. Stay focused on what we can do.
2. Take NOTHING personally. When you realize that these Skids are being asked/manipulated/ threatened to pick one parent over the other- compassion for the Skids usually flows freely and you can choose to let go of the bio-mom’s actions. That is a choice, not a process.
3. Take the High Road, the honorable path and resist the urge to counter-attack. This urge is not a bad thing, it’s a human thing but responding, getting hooked by these behaviors only makes things worse. It makes the Skids feel like they are caught in an emotional ping pong game where they can only lose more and more. We have lots of ways to process our anger at the situation. Honor the anger AND help your Skids.
4. Protect your relationship with your Skids by seeing what is happening and backing off whenever you can. We can begin to let their comments about how Mom’s this or that is better by simply saying, “Great!” and disengaging from the competition for their attention and approval. Your Skids will be visibly relieved when they feel you withdrawal from the unspoken emotional competition. You read about “putting the kids first,” well this is a great example of putting our feelings about the situation aside and helping the Skid’s feel safe and secure first.
5. Take the pressure off your marriage and stop expecting your husband to do something about it if he isn’t inclined to on his own. It is not against the law to do what these angry bio-moms are doing. It is also impossible to prove what they are doing without getting the skids in the middle. Believe me, I know this can be hard but I also know that when you back away and begin to support the Skids, they feel the difference and so will you-in positive ways.
6. I have noticed that as we switch our attention from trying to get the bio-Mom to behave as a mature adult (impossible if they aren’t willing) and put our attention on helping these skids feel that at Dad’s house it is OK to love their Mom AND Dad AND Stepmom AND Stepdad, as much as they please there is a peacefulness that begins to build over time. We want to be able to look back on our actions and feel proud. This is one of those actions we can feel good about right now. It has both short and long-term benefits.

We can’t end the Loyalty Wars but we can take a lot of the fire power out of this situation. I understand from grown Stepkids that when SMOMS do as I suggest, it is more noticed and appreciated by the Stepkids than they can say as kids but we are likely to receive the gratitude as they become adults. We all know it feels good to “Do the right thing.” Helping young people under this kind of stress is the right thing to do. Honoring the impact on us by extreme self-care, healthy anger processing and creative problem solving is also the right thing for you to do. Hope this helps. Bye for now, Cathryn Bond Doyle (Founder of SMOMS)