Jacquelyn's Space

I hate to say it but I am ready for school to start again. I have all my classes lined up and I can’t wait because it seems they will be fun and interesting (most are writing and literature courses). Of course they will be a lot of work also – 5 classes plus wind symphony — another 16+ credit semester. Plus I may add 1-2 more if I get involved in research. Yikes!

I am a super senior, in the words of my stepson. You might say I am a super-duper senior, ha. I have way more credits than I need to graduate but I just keep telling myself it will all be worth when I graduate with 2 degrees. I am thankful I love school and so thankful I am able to attend UM-Flint.

What I really need to do is to work on my writing this summer. Plus I have my reading list for next semester so I could get crackin’ on that. I need to write at least 300 words a day even if it is in my silly blog and I need to read a ton of stuff. I need to work on my discipline and just do it. I am picturing myself reading while I walk on the treadmill all summer long because that is another thing I need to do — get in shape. Anything I am able to get done this summer will certainly help me in the fall. So my goals for the summer are:

Study for the GRE (as always)

practice my trombone (get my lips and breathing in shape for wind symphony)

exercise (get my ass in shape for graduation which will also help with breathing and energy)

eat better (plus I have to get my husband to eat some vegetables)

read my ass off (psychology review and studies, and all the books for school – lots of Shakespeare, a little Austen –Mansfield Park, my least favorite – blech– some women’s lit and modern British lit and lots of books about writing)

write my ass off (haha, I think I can do this on the treadmill too!)

I have some other goals too, like getting my house in order, but my husband will be a big force in that.

So as usual so much to do and so little time. I guess that is why I am ready to go back to school – I can’t really relax anyway.

Today is an f*ck you kind of day — it is cold, cloudy and I am irritated (at people  thinking all problems in life are solved by ‘sweetness and light’… No, sometimes there is a problem that cannot be solved by simply changing your attitude *slight rant below*) and angry (grieving can do that to you).

I should have went to work to get some smiles but no work for me today. I guess I can say today I am thankful for smiles whether from friends or strangers because they always help me feel better. Maybe I should go somewhere, go see a friend but I really need to stay home and work on housework — blech! Can’t wait for my husband to get home.

*Slight Rant

Yeah, I know when I have a poor attitude so either I stay home and deal with it or I write it out, sometimes in my blog. I don’t usually take it out on others so it pisses me off when people try to make you think that in order to deal with unpleasant people (who have no qualms about taking their bad attitude out on you) or situations all you have to do is to change your own attitude or perceptions. Well that is some bullshit. It is not all wrong but it does not fit every person or situation. What it does is makes me feel like I have to take the blame and change myself to accommodate shitty people or shitty situations. That is not right and I am tired of being made to feel like everything will be better as long as I change. I change to meet the demands of life’s challenges but there are some people or situations that I simply cannot adapt to. I understand that the world will not change to accommadate me. I understand there are situations in life that will never be pleasant and will never change but I do resent the fact that so many of us, so many good people have to put up with bullshit only to be told “If you change your outlook or perception everything will be all right.” Been there, done that, it doesn’t work for all situations so quit spouting fake Pollyanna bullshit and get fucking real.

I know one thing that works as far as changes I can make and that is if someone or a situation is not right for you, is wholly unpleasant, you get the fuck away from it as soon as you can or cut as much of the bullshit out of your life as you can. There is no outlook/perception change involved.

F U all assholes, fakers, posers and hypocrites!

* end rant.

I am always thankful for good days at work. Today was a good day. I was on the ball, customers were nice, and I managed to fly under the radar of the store manager – haha. She is so mean to everyone but there are times I am even a little thankful for her. I am even getting a raise, wahoo.

Today was also my husband’s birthday. I am thankful to have such a wonderful husband. I wish I could by him something extra special for his birthday but he will have to settle for some pants and some ‘quality’ time. My parents took us out to dinner and that was really nice – for that I am also thankful.

All that and we had a glorious sunset too.

I have not been blogging this week but I do want to keep up on writing about things I am thankful for. This week I have been thankful for my sister-in-law Kathleen for doing so much for my family in our time of sorrow (and before) and for trying to save little Angel. Also my sister-in-law CeCe for bringing food to my parent’s house. I am so lucky to have such caring family.

I am thankful for the silliness children bring even in times of sadness. My little nephews by just being little boys running around have helped to lighten moods and make laughter acceptable during a difficult time. I am thankful for the hug-i-ness and kissiness of three-year olds – my little nephew B.Brent, though a mischievous scamp, is always ready to hug and kiss people and it is lovely.

I was thankful for the beautiful sunset last night even though my little Angel was not there with me to see it. Hopefully she was watching from heaven.

I find it hard to forgive people who are consistently insensitive and arrogant. Not to mention selfish and self-centered. That is not to say that I have never exhibited these traits but let me just say that some people really know how to make the most of their bad qualities. Must be an art to it, a way of life, or is it a sickness?

I cannot discuss specifics at this time but I do want to note this stumbling block to forgiveness. I was trying to come up with a quote that sums it all up nicely but none exists. I just felt it necessary to note that the world is full of assholes, we all know this, but it is a little hard to take when your baby niece has died while these assholes continue to exist.