Jacquelyn's Space

I belong to a few step-mother groups on Facebook and lately they have been heavily recommending a book called No One’s the Bitch. I saw that title and I was like “yeah right!” Well the whole title is No One’s the Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan for the Mother and Stepmother Relationship – after reading that and the introduction to the book I am still thinking “yeah right” but it does seem like an interesting read; even it doesn’t fit my situation I can still learn from it.

http://www.noonesthebitch.com/book/

http://www.noonesthebitch.com/book/No One\’s the Bitch, Introduction

I am skeptical because even if the women get along there still has to be some kind of mutual respect between the exes for any real harmony to occur. It almost seems like the focus is off, at least to me but I still want to read it.

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I just read the second chapter of the book (the Intro and chapter 2 are available to read for free) and while it was interesting and some of it resonated with me, overall I find myself a bent out of shape. I get angry because books like these seem to perpetuate the stereotypes and cliches of blended families…ugh! Can’t we ever get beyond the same old shite? I can’t even describe it; or maybe I am too damn lazy right now. That is why this blog post is going to suck; perhaps I will go into detail for another blog post. At least this one gets the word out about the book – I am just not sure how good or helpful the book is at this time, ha.

Here I am once again writing a catch-up blog. Spring break starts today so I finally get some time to myself – maybe.

The last few weeks have been pretty good but I haven’t had much time to write in my blog. School has been going well.  Although I am happy to report that I have been pretty much caught up on my schoolwork for a change. I have had several tests and a presentation which I received A’s on all of them. I am most proud of my A grade on my cognitive psychology test. That one was a bear and when I received my grade my head was in the clouds.

Because the last few weeks were pretty good and I have done some fun things, I don’t want to forget them and as usual I wanted to write them down to keep the memory.

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My husband and I have been quite busy. A couple weeks ago, the weekend before Valentine’s Day, we went up to Frankenmuth, Michigan and spent some time with my brother, his woman and my three stinker butt nephews at an indoor water park called Splash Village. Several trips up the stairs to the water slide (with floatie and a nephew in tow), down the water slide ‘wahooing all the way’ – that kicked my butt. It was a lot of fun but wore me out.

Also that week-end, my husband and I went out to dinner after a very stressful day of shopping. The dinner made  up for the bad day. It was a special Valentines dinner at the local Italian restaurant down the street from our house. We shared steak and lasagna and had some tasty desert too.

For Valentine’s Day, my husband got me a box of chocolates and … a treadmill. That’s quite a combination! Actually we have been wanting a treadmill and we finally decided to buy one. Now I can blog and study while I attempt to lose weight. Yay!

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Last weekend I found out about a free jazz concert, performed by faulty member Jeff Price, at the Flint Institute of Music. I had been to a jazz concert there a couple of years ago also performed by saxophonist Jeff Price. It was awesome and last weekend it was also Jeff Price (Jeff Price Trio) that performed again. He also teaches at UM-Flint and I have performed with him in Wind Symphony.

I almost didn’t go because I wanted to work on some homework but decided to blow it off. I am so glad I went. As I stated before Jeff Price is awesome but he also had with them a bassist, a drummer, and a pianist. I am not sure which musicians were part of the trio and which was the guest but they were all spectacular. I could in have listened to them all day and all night. I was so into  the music I found myself forgetting to breathe. I had a great time listening to the music as well as watching them perform and enjoy the pieces they played. The pianist seem to be especially into the music and was a treat to watch.

In addition to the musical performance, there was also a painter on stage who was painting a piece entitled “Inner Fire” while the concert was going on. Not only did we get to listen to music we also watched a man create art. I loved it! My husband and my stepson enjoyed it also, perhaps not as much as I did because they are not into the type of music played but they did say the performers were good. After the concert we went to Blackstone’s in downtown Flint and had dinner. It was a great night on the town. Yay Flint!

The next night we went to see a play at the University of Michigan – Flint. I had won two free tickets, and won two more. So my husband, stepson and I all went and I got to take my friend. We hooked up with some more friends at the play and had a good time.

The play itself was all right – it was “The Ruby Sunrise” and is the last play directed by faculty Carolyn Gillespie; she is retiring. The play was interesting and had its moments but is not something I would rave about (like the jazz concert the previous night). I wonder why Gillespie chose it? I had her for a teacher my first year at UM-Flint – she was a fun professor and is a lovely lady – I thought she would choose something with a little more fire for her last play at the university. My husband and stepson seemed to enjoy the play too, perhaps more than the jazz concert.

We sort of did up Flint that night too. We went to Starlite Diner after the play. It is a diner with the old time 50’s feel and is a classic in Genesee County. It is just outside of Flint though.

See, there are great things going on in Flint. You just have to take advantage of what Flint has to offer, which in my humble opinion is a lot more than other communities. It is a shame people can’t recognize that.

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Basically those are the highlights of my last few weeks. Other than that it has been the same old same old – school work, picked up some more hours at work, battling fatigue and sickness, reading some inspirational pieces about writing/being a writer, and trying to find the time to write for myself.

I am contemplating a change to my blog and thinking about starting another one; perhaps one that is more traditional blog style and that is not all about me and just about one topic – writing, or becoming a writer.

I noticed that on you can have several pages connected to your blog on here so I might start the new blog then hook my other blogs to it. Not sure if I am up for it, all this writing, though I need the practice. Plus I already have 3 bog total, 2 of which I hardly ever write on. I think the writing blog will help me write better all in all, and process all that I am reading about writing and being a writer. I wish I had more time an energy.

Maybe I’m wrong but I believe transporting kids back and forth for parenting time should be the responsibility of both biological parents, not just left up to the non-custodial parent.

Maybe I’m wrong but I believe it is wrong to say/preach/promise one thing then do another.

Maybe I’m wrong but I am not a clockwatcher. There is more to life than the keeping of time.

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My husband and I had my stepson this week-end. We bring him back to his mom’s house on Sunday night, usually somewhere between 8 and 8:30pm. We usually drop him off late – naughty us. It isn’t on purpose and I suppose it is mostly my fault – I am not the type of person that lives by the clock. Also we don’t feel it is necessary to rush around to get the kid back to his mom’s – after all he is with his dad. There are several reasons I don’t feel the need to rush the kid back to his mom’s house and I probably shouldn’t mention them all here. Lets just say a big part of it is about respect  – if you don’t respect me and those I love (meaning my husband and my stepson) I am not going to be all that concerned about respecting you.

One reason I will mention is this: my husband doesn’ t drive due to an eyesight problem – he never has. He has to depend on others for rides, and mostly it is me driving my stepson back and forth. I will admit that sometimes it is inconvenient (I am only human) but for the most part it is a small inconvenience and I don’t mind doing it. You do for your kids and for your family. My stepson has at times shown his appreciation also, which I in turn really appreciate =)

But…

His ex-wife chose to make a baby (or made a baby) with a man that doesn’t drive – she knew this. She knew, like I did, when she hooked up with the father of her son that he does not and will  never drive. She also chose to divorce this man and move to a different town with their son. I have always felt that is only fair that she provide some of the transportation for parenting time. This has rarely happened even though a promise had been made. Perhaps I was cleaning my husband’s (then boyfriend) house one day soon after we met and found a letter. Perhaps it was written by his ex-wife; in it she promised to drop their son off any time my husband wanted to see him. As far as I know this has never been the case.

Plus as an aside I would like to add that many divorced parents share the task of transporting their kid(s), pick up and/or drop off, for parenting times.

OK all history aside, most of the time the transportation issue is fine; my husband and I have done our darnedest to make it work and like I mentioned before it is not a big deal because I usually don’t let it be. Anyway  my stepson is a teen now, close to being on his own – transportation and parenting time will soon cease to be an issue. Why am I writing about this now?

For a lot of different reasons. Tonight, for one, we were late and had to listen to my stepson get bitched out. Maybe I am just tired of the bull shit. I definitely feel the need to call attention to problems blended families face, non-custodial parents and/or step-mom’s face. And part of it is I just feel the need to call attention to a certain person’ s bad behavior (and taking her messed up shite out on others) and perhaps explain my less than stellar behavior too…

As usual, tonight we were running late – we had an issue with dinner being burnt and the roads were bad.  A winter storm warning was in affect. I guess the roads started getting bad around 3 or 4 this afternoon. I had other things to do than worry about the weather today and we did not think it too big a deal because my stepson has no school tomorrow. I think he wanted to stay with us another day but knew his mom would say no, even though he spent Friday with her (no school that day either). We didn’t say anything, we generally let him make the call on that. He chose not to call her earlier.

We started out for my stepson’s mom’s house a little after 8pm. Right away my stepson wanted to call his mom as soon as he realized how bad the roads were. He called – no one answered (I actually think she didn’t answer the phone on purpose – she has been avoiding talking to my husband). He was hoping he could remain with us then we could just turn around and stay safe at home but we pressed on and it was slow going, about 25 – 30 miles an hour.

My stepson called again and his mom answered this time and from what I could hear she was all in a huff. My stepson said “I’m not goin’ to lie, the roads are bad.” My husband and I could hear her bitchin’ on the phone then nothing – silence in the car. I think my stepson said something but I can’t remember what, I just got the feeling he was a little perturbed about the phone conversation (if you can call it that) with his mom. Then my husband said “Well we are almost half way there.” and then, “So what did your mom say?” UGH! I don’t know why he asked  that, we had a pretty good idea from the tone of the conversation but I think my husband wanted to give his son a chance to talk about it if he needed and perhaps make him feel better.

My stepson replied, “You don’t want to know,” I pshawed  and thought I probably don’t, then my stepson continued, “She said I had to come home and you guys knew the storm was coming and could have brought me home early. Then she hung up on me” Nice.

I laughed and said smartly, “Nope, bringing you home early is not an option and actually there is another option – your mom could have picked you up.” Now I think I probably shouldn’t have said that because it may have given my stepson the impression that I was mad, or that I was mad at him. I hope it didn’t though because I wasn’t mad. I tried to cheer him up the rest of the way but he looked pretty glum when he got out of the car when we finally reached his mom’s house.

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Here is my personal response after all that explanation:

Haha, yeah right! Bring the kid home early? I don’t think so or ‘ABSOLUTELY NOT’. First of all, even though a storm is predicted does not mean it is going to hit. Winter storms miss us much more often than hit us so I am not even going to entertain the idea of bringing the kid home early (and cutting our time short) for something that might not happen. Second, our time with the kid is limited, and I am not going to bring him home early unless it is at his request, period. Third, if my husband’s ex were a nice person, a reasonable person, she would have/could have let my stepson stay with us – he has no school tomorrow. Fourth, again if she were a nice person, she also knew the storm was coming and could have made arrangements to pick him up in her husband’s truck. It would not have killed her.

And fifth, I just thought of this – it kind of goes with the first 2 points – the kid wanted to stay with us. Many a time his mom has said it’s up to the kid when he comes over, which days, etc. Now he is older and he should be able to make those decisions. If it were truly up to him then he would have stayed with us tonight. I am not saying that to be a bitch or hurtful, there is nothing wrong with it and it certainly doesn’t mean he wants to stay with us forever or loves us more than anyone else. It just seems that whole letting the kid decide is a bunch of bull shit – when the ex can’t manipulate a situation to her liking or when it isn’t convenient for her (or perhaps she is just having a bad day?), she throws a fit. That all goes back to the whole respect issue.

I foresee many troublesome times ahead when the kid turns 18.

So that is my opinion on the matter, like it or not but maybe I’m wrong…

While on the topic of step-mothering/step-parenting here is a quote from StepMom Magazine’s facebook that I love:

“Being a stepmom is not easy. Many of you care for others while receiving little thanks, acknowledgment or love in return. Giving without expectations or guarantees is a selfless and generous act. Hold your head high everyday in spite of the obstacles and criticism you face and remember that doing the right thing, is always the right thing to do. Never forget to love and value yourself in the process. You are beautiful and strong and we appreciate and admire all that you do.”

StepMom Magazine

http://www.facebook.com/StepMomMagazine

I awoke from a nightmare this morning – my bio-psych teacher had given a test and I thought I had done really well on it but when I got my score it was something like a D. She only showed us our score and refused to show us what we got wrong/the correct answers. I was really mad about this and especially hurt about her unfairness.

Hahahaha, I am too preoccupied with school.

Normally I would not be up at the crack of dawn but I had to get up this morning because I ached terribly and had to blow my nose/clear my throat. UGH, I am catching a cold. I got on facebook to cheer me up. I belong to a few stepmother groups on there and from time to time they ask questions about stepmom/stepfamily experiences. This morning the question is, “What’s the funniest thing your Stepkids have ever done/said?” Really there are too many to mention but here are two things that stick in my memory:

When my stepson was little he used to sit on my lap and ‘drive’ as I pulled into our driveway. Once I moved the seat up or something and he got squished a little. I made sure he was alright and said sorry and he said “Them were my nuts!” LOL

Once we were bike riding in a hilly area (Mackinac Island, my favorite). My stepson would go down a hill really fast and break. He got up ahead of me and went down a hill and around a curve (his dad was with him). As I caught up, he yells out to me “Hey Jackie look at my skidmarks!” I almost fell off my bike laughing and shouted back to him, “I’ve seen enough of those in your dirty laundry!” LOL

So those memories cheered me up immensely. That is a lovely way to have a happy morning.

Another stepmother’s story cracked me up. She said her stepdaughter said she hope her nose is not like her mother’s, all puffy – “it was too big and not pretty”. To top it off the little girl went on to say she hopes her arms turn out like her father’s because the are less hairy! Bwahaha.

http://www.facebook.com/enlightenedstepmoms