I am sad. I didn’t get half the things I wanted to get done over my week off from school. Now it is time to go back. I need another week! I can’t wait to get back to psych class but I wish I could have done more reading. The house is still a mess too. I hate the house being a mess – I can’t study if it is a mess. I feel guilty. This past week I was feeling yucky. I think it was the weather. I was so tired all week long and the first part of the week I was very achy. Stupid CFS and fibromyalgia! Oh well, I guess it was my week to goof off. I hope I will feel better this week and get some stuff done. I need to get motivated. I wish there was a pill for that. Haha.
Tinkering
I have been playing the computer game "The Sims" and in they (the Sims) can go and tinker with stuff – the dishwasher, shower, or a car. It has been reminding me of my Dad. He always says that when he retires he is just going to stay in his garage and tinker with stuff. Haha. I worry about my Dad sometimes. He works very hard – 7 days a week, 12 hour shifts when he can get the work, which is quite a lot. He does not have a lot of time to do fun things or hobbies, etc. I hope he makes it to retirement and is able to have a long enjoyable one. I don’t think that ‘tinkering’ will be enough for him. He always needs to be doing stuff. We have talked a little about retirement. He and my mother do not want the same things. I want my Dad to have something for himself, something that he really wants because he has worked so hard all these years and has helped me and my brother out numerous times. I guess I am worried that because my Dad and my Mom do not want the same things then neither of them will get what they want or be happy. I want them to be happy. I hope that they can compromise. My Dad has already decided, though, that he will not be able to get what he wants. I want to tell him not to give up – that is a shitty thing to do to yourself. I wish he would find a way to work it out. I think there may be a way for both of my parents to have what they want. I have a few ideas but I don’t think I should get in the middle of it, anyway there is no situation yet. He is not retired and my Mom does not know about any of this. I do know that she gets mad at my Dad because he is not open, emotionally. This is not likely to change. I probably should not be writing this but I think this is a problem with some people, especially older people. Some men just do not show their emotions. They repress them. That is what helps them keep going, and working so much. It has been on my mind so I thought I would write it out. I used to be scared that my Dad would die when I was young because his Dad died when he was only 16. I am lucky to have my Dad around a lot longer but I will be very pissed off if he dies before he retires. To work so long and so hard and not be able to sit back and enjoy it! I also will be pissed off if he is not able to enjoy a retirement because he gives up on his dreams or just doesn’t form any dreams because he does not think it can happen. And most of all, I will also be pissed off if my parents become two mean old people always mad at each other and the world because neither of them can have what they want.
Here is a poem I had to analyze for the class "Reading Pop Culture". It reminded me of my Dad. My critique is after.
The Unknown Citizen
W. H. Auden
(To JS/07 M 378 This Marble Monument Is Erected by the State)
He was found by the Bureau of Statistics to be
One against whom there was no official complaint,
And all the reports on his conduct agree
That, in the modern sense of an old-fashioned word, he was a saint,
For in everything he did he served the Greater Community.
Except for the War till the day he retired
He worked in a factory and never got fired,
But satisfied his employers, Fudge Motors Inc.
Yet he wasn’t a scab or odd in his views,
For his Union reports that he paid his dues,
(Our report on his Union shows it was sound)
And our Social Psychology workers found
That he was popular with his mates and liked a drink.
The Press are convinced that he bought a paper every day
And that his reactions to advertisements were normal in every way
Policies taken out in his name prove that he was fully insured,
And his Health-card shows he was once in a hospital but left it cured.
Both Producers Research and High-Grade Living declare
He was fully sensible to the advantages of the Installment Plan
And had everything necessary to the Modern Man:
A phonograph, a radio, a car, and a Frigidaire.
Our researchers into Public Opinion are content
That he held the proper opinions for the time of year;
When there was peace, he was for peace: when there was war, he went.
He was married and added five children to the population,
Which our Eugenist says was the right number for a parent of his generation.
And our teachers report that he never interfered with their education.
Was he free? Was he happy? The question is absurd:
Had anything been wrong, we should certainly have heard.
From Another Time by W. H. Auden, published by Random House. Copyright
© 1940 W. H. Auden, renewed by The Estate of W. H. Auden
I like the poem "The Unknown Citizen" by W.H.Auden. It kind of reminded me of my Dad. He works, pays his union dues, doesn’t complain, just does what he need to do and does not over analyze things too. It is sad though. I was always think he is going to work until he dies and not have time to enjoy his life or retirement. He won’t ever get to enjoy freedom but if he had the freedom I don’t think he would know what to do with it. Too many years of doing what was expected of him, never thinking about what he really wants out of life. In my opinion that is the main idea of the peom.
A great many people, especially men, just live their lives like the "Unknown Citizen" Hey, it is easy just to live a life that already planned out for you – as long as you have the trappings that society finds important; such as being insured and having everything "necessary to the Modern Man: a phonograph, a radio, a car and a Frigidaire." Just go with the flow, do what is expected by society, don’t overthink things (don’t analyze society or your own actions). How can you be unhappy living a life like that? I say that especailly me live like this because they are supposed to work, be the breadwinners and never cry or complain. Stiff upper lip, be a man! My Dad would tell me (when discussing work issues) " It is not for me to wonder why but to do or die." I never understood that until I got older. That is all most people or jobs expect from you – do what they want, work how they want and get things done in their time frame and don’t think about it to much. A bunch of mindless soldiers marching to a drum, willing to sacrifice their happiness and freedom to the cause. The cause being whatever is the fashionable beliefs of the day.
You really can’t blame people for midlessly following society. Even if you analyze what is going on around you and disagree with society it is sometimes easier (and healthier or best for your survival) to just follow along. How many of us have not gotten caught up in just day to day living, trying to get by without really analyzing what we are doing or if we are really happy? Sometimes thinking for yourself and acting on those thoughts can be a luxury that cannot be afforded.
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I wrote this blog as a tribute to my Dad. I just want to express how much he means to me. How much I appreciate all his hardwork. Yes I do see it and appreciate it now. I may not have always but I see it now. I also want him to know that I may have not always followed his advice but I was listening. Now I hope that he will take some time for himself. I also hope that I can work as hard as him so if he needs me to, I will be able to take care of him.
OMG, I am going to cry!!
I am so emotional the last couple of days. I am going to cry, so rather than that, I am going to write out what I am getting so emotional about in my blog. I can’t go to bed because my husband has wicked gas (yes, I am tattling on him – he’ll love it the attention whore). I shouldn’t have made those sloppy joes – no quality time tonight!! 
I finished up my wedding day remembrance blog I started last month. I have been a blogging fool lately. It is really helping my writing though. The more I write the more I want to write. OK, back to what I came on here for – I was thinking I should start getting all my stuff together for my scrapbook. Gee whiz! I still need to order my pictures too! Well I was waiting for the walls to be painted so I would have a place to put them rather than store them. Now all that is done (My husband did some major work on the house last fall – I will have to write another blog about that). Yikes, I am all over the place tonight. What I want to write about is I found the toast my friends gave me at the wedding. I am so thankful they wrote it down and thought to give to me. My friends are so thoughtful. Now I have it forever and it is beautiful. I hope my uncle got it on video but I remember how I felt when they said it – I almost cried. I am going to put in my blog too so I will be sure to have it always. I am blessed with such good friends that I can see us as old ladies having tea together. Here is the toast:
Stephanie began:
Over the years Jackie has meant something different to us.
Stephanie said: You have been to me, Aunt Jackie. I have loved you as my blood just as you have done the same for me.
Melissa said: You have been my partner in crime since the 3rd grade. From crawling home in ice storms to being the first to know I was pregnant with my first son. You will always be the person I love to talk to on the phone late at night.
Rachel said: You have been my best friend for years and my sister for life. From chasing demons in dreams to standing beside me through to this day. Jackie is not one to give her heart to just anybody, so Chuck I am sure you know how lucky you are to have our Jackie, our sister, our friend. From now on you will be our Chuck. We love you.
aaaawwwww! I can’t wait to see my wedding video. I wish I would have had a wonderful toast for them but I was to overcome with emotion at the time.
Melissa and I really did crawl home from school one time. The whole way home was iced over and every time we tried to walk we fell down and broke our asses. And yes I did ger her out of school, pretending I was her mother on the phone, to take her to get her pregnancy test. I remember how nervous she was. I remember when she walked out of the DR’s office. She could not even speak. She was pregnant! I remember how scared I was for my friend but at the same time I felt such joy.
Rachel and I have been through some shit together. We had many late nights with her being scared and feeling haunted. We have had a few supernatural encounters. We both had love for some dumbasses that did not love us back. Through it all we became sisters. She always tells me I am more of a sister to her than her blood sisters. She always builds me up.
Stephanie is Rachel’s daughter. She is so beautiful. I love her so much and I wish I lived closer to her so I could be the Aunt to her I really want to be. She is all that Rachel and I wished for. I remember when she was born. I was scared for Rachel, I didn’t know how she was going to do it as a single Mom, but she came through and there is beautiful Stephanie.
And Chuck, I am blessed with the kindest husband that my friends can love too.
Talking about Woman had phobia of leaving bathroom – More health news- msnbc.com
Wow! I have to print this one out for Psych class.
Quote
Woman had phobia of leaving bathroom – More health news- msnbc.com
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Stuff
My Mom and I started going through my Aunt Marlene’s things last night. My Aunt died on New Years Eve. Aunt Marlene had accumulated a lot of stuff over the years. Boy, she had enough costume jewelry to ice a nursing home full of old ladies (sone of the stuff is cool – vintage). She had enough beads for a huge Mardi Gras celebration. New Marlenes – haha. Some of the jewelry used to be my Grandma’s also. I think of Aunt Marlene, I think of my Grandma, then I get depressed. My poor Mom too. It is just sad, going through her things. I can’t believe she is dead. I thought she be around forever – chattering. She was tough. WTF happened? Have to stay strong though. 
Blogging
"Blogs are supposed to be the ultimate expression of unvarnished personal opinion." from the following article:
or here is the definition from the dictionary:
| Definition: | an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page; also called Weblog, Web log |
| Example: | Typically updated daily, blogs often reflect the personality of the author. |
"blog." Webster’s New Millennium™ Dictionary of English, Preview Edition (v 0.9.7). Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. 11 Mar. 2008. <Dictionary.com http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/blog>.
I like the quote from the article. That was what I was thinking a blog should be. I like blogging but it is a little frightening to put all your thoughts and feelings out on the web for any and everyone to see. People will abuse it -at the very least interpret things the wrong way. That being said I will keep on blogging and anyone who reads my blogs will get 100% real ME! Not some trite BS. I guess I have been feeling bad because I have been feeling self-centered lately – patting myself on the back for my accomplishments in school. But I am proud of my accomplishments. I am proud of my work and I want to document it so I can look back on it during tough times and know I can accomplish a lot when I put my mind to it.
ME
My husband recently gave me an awesome compliment. Well, he has given me many (and yes I will brag on it) but I have been thinking about this lately. He said that I am very strong, that I am a fighter, and that I know what I want, I know what is right and I go for it, no matter what. He said I don’t waffle on things. I was pleased to hear it (pleased that somebody recognized it) because I have worked hard at going after what I want. I have always been a strong person (a fighter) but I have not always been very confident or a go getter. Going to college and overcoming the obstacles that I have, to succeed in school, has taught me a lot about setting goals, being confident, and about my own will power. I am proud of this and this is my life at the present. I want to write about it – maybe it will inspire someone. I also want to pay tribute to my husband because if not for him I don’t think I could have gone this far. Sure I can dream – dream big, but he has been there with love and support. I also want to let my husband know (I could not articulate it at the time) that I do waffle but I am not afraid, have never been afraid to dream and I think that is a part of my success. I think of what I want, I think about what I have to do to get it, I do it. I don’t let fear or doubt overcome me. I use positive visualation to get me through. It really works! Thanks Oprah! If I have to revise a dream/goal or timeline I do it, but I keep going for it. You just have to keep on keeping on. And I do, but I could not do it without the support of my husband (to keep food on the table, to keep shelter, to keep me down to earth, to keep me laughing and feeling loved) and I want him (and everyone) to know that it means the world to me.
Jacquelyn's Space 